The Introvert Leader

People Pleasing

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In this episode, I'm discussing people-pleasing—something I've struggled with since I was a kid. I'll explain why we people-please, how it holds us back, and how it can damage our relationships. Stay tuned for actionable strategies to overcome it.

Even if you don't struggle with people pleasing yourself, you'll learn how to help the people pleaser in your life.


Timestamps
1:07 - Austin Update

3:46 - Why Discuss People Pleasing: Why this topic matters and how it impacts your career and relationships.

4:24 - What Is People Pleasing: A breakdown of what people pleasing is and why so many struggle with it.

4:50 - What Does People Pleasing Look Like: Common examples of people pleasing in work and personal life.

7:44 - Why I People Please: A personal look at my own struggles with people pleasing and where it comes from.

9:56 - Negatives of People Pleasing: How people pleasing can hold you back, damage relationships, and create stress.

14:40 - Overcoming People Pleasing: Actionable strategies to stop people pleasing and start setting boundaries.

18:30 - Story Time: A story about the Superbowl a few weeks back.

20:40 - Challenge For Listeners: A practical challenge to help you recognize and reduce people pleasing this week.


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Hello, this is your host, Austin Hopkins, and welcome to the Introvert Leader Podcast.

Welcome to episode 56. Super pumped to have you here today. We're gonna be chatting about people pleasing. And, uh, before we get into the meat and potatoes, I gotta tell you something. For the first 28 years of my life, I pretty much lied every single day. Now, not in the way you'd think. I wasn't lying about big things or being dishonest, but I was people pleasing, which, as far as I'm concerned, is lying, right?

We're holding back what we really think. We're not saying what we really believe. And, unfortunately That really took a lot away from my happiness. It affected my career, my personal life. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I've totally mastered it, but I [00:01:00] have gotten much, much better at it. So today we're talking about all things, people pleasing, but before we get into that, I want to give you a little update on what I've been into recently.

So I don't know if you saw the new Drake party next door album. I'm a Drake fan. You know this probably, but it kind of reminded me of. Old School Drake and definitely more like R& B focused. I thought it was good. I thought it was a safe album given like everything that's been going on. If you're kind of following the, the Drake and Kendrick feud, but overall, I liked it.

I thought it was pretty good. A movie. I don't know if you've seen this movie called Dan in real life. It's with Steve Carell. Um, it's got Emily Blunt. It's got some really great actors came out in the mid 2000s, probably like 2005 to 2010. It's solid. It's a comedy. Um, really, really enjoy it. Love it. And highly recommend.

It's probably one of my go to favorite movies, although my wife hates it. So I don't know what that says about it. Um, uh, transitioning slightly podcast update. I'm really excited this week hit a big milestone. We are now. Getting listeners in over [00:02:00] 125 countries. And here's the cool part. We're actually ranked on the charts in a few different countries.

So I had to share, I'm super proud and it's really all thanks to you, but we're charting in Denmark and Australia. We're charting in South Africa, Ireland, Sweden, Philippines, Malaysia, and of course in the U S and again, you know, I didn't expect to this when I first started the podcast, I knew it was going to resonate with folks, but it's really, really cool to see folks from around the country.

Finding value in what I have to say and my perspective. So thank you so much for listening. Really, really appreciate it. Um, and you guys honestly made this possible. Um, so really, really appreciate your, you tuning in and your support. Okay. Slight transition before we jump into really, really what's important.

Uh, I wanted to give you a quick plug for. STS coaching, which is the career and leadership coaching that I do. So essentially at the beginning of this year, we came out with some new coaching packages and one that I'm really pumped about. So this one's called the promotion fast track. So it's a 300 one time fee.

And essentially what we're going to do is help you get promoted faster. I don't know if you're like me or if [00:03:00] you're like others that, you know, you've been at one company for a while. You feel like you're doing good work. You're going above and beyond, but you're like stuck. You're doing the same job month after month, year after year.

And you're like, dude, I think I'm better than this. I could be in a better position. I should be able to get promoted, but it's just not happening. I've been there. I know what it's like. And luckily I was able to figure out how to get past that in my career. During my 15 years, I was promoted on average every about one and a half years.

And so. I want to help folks do the same. So we came out with something called the promotion fast track. And essentially what we're going to do is help folks get promoted three times as fast. So if you're interested, if you feel like you're stuck, you want to get promoted faster. Click the link in the episode description.

I'd love to have a free chat and see if maybe we're a good fit to work together. Okay, that being said, we're jumping into it folks. We're talking about people pleasing. So why do we want to even discuss that? I think, honestly, the main reason is it's something that I've struggled with my whole life. Um, you know, I can remember being a little kid and worrying about people pleasing and saying and doing the right things.[00:04:00] 

And even now at 35, there's still remnants, right? Still things there where I'm like, gosh, Austin, why are you people pleasing? Why are you worried so much about what people think as opposed to just speaking your truth? And so Today, that's what I really want to chat about. I want to give you my perspective.

I want to tell you kind of what it feels like, what it looks like, and most importantly, how do you get past it? And whether you're dealing with people pleasing or you know someone that is, I'm going to give you some strategies that I'm confident are going to help. Okay, so what is people pleasing? So just quick definition.

Essentially, people pleasing is a pattern where somebody consistently puts the needs, wants, desires, Of others before their own, often at the expense of their own happiness, wellbeing, or personal boundaries. So, right, it's, it's always doing and saying what you think you need to do or what you think you should say, um, in order to fit in to please others.

So what does that actually look like? I wanted to give you some examples of what it could actually look like at work and what it might actually look like in your personal life. And the reason I want to give examples is sometimes we have trouble [00:05:00] spotting what people pleasing is. Is it us just being kind or is it us going too far?

So here are a couple of examples when I was kind of thinking through what they look like in my own life and what I've observed. So let's start with your personal life. Here are some examples of what it might look like to be a people pleaser in your personal life. So first one, trying to be something we aren't.

So doing stuff we don't like in order to fit in. So for me, like, for example, I don't care about sports at all. And so for years I pretended to care about sports and went to games and talked about sports. And it was in order to fit in because I thought that's what a guy my age should be into. I don't give a shit about sports.

And so that could be an example of where you're just trying to fit in and do something that you're not, right? Another one is not sharing our opinions. So I don't know if you've ever faced this or know someone has, but sometimes. You're too afraid to share your own opinion. You don't want to rock the boat.

You don't want to stir things up. You don't want to have an opinion that's different from everyone else's and so you hold back. You don't share what's actually on your mind. So I think that's a really obvious one. Always agreeing. If you're finding yourself [00:06:00] always saying yes to everything and always agreeing to what your friends and family ask, even when it puts you out and hurts your own life.

Right. This could be like, you got a big presentation tomorrow at 7am and your friend asked you to pick them up at the airport at three in the morning. Like, eh, probably not good, right? This is your job. You probably shouldn't go and pick up your friend. They should probably just get an Uber or drive home.

So a couple of examples of what it could look like in your personal life. Now at work. It's similar, but it's a little different. So I think a really good example of what it might look and feel like at work is constantly saying yes to stuff. So maybe that's attending every happy hour, even though you don't drink or you don't even want to go out.

Or maybe it's taking on extra work, even though you know you're way over capacity. But you got to say yes, you got to be a team player. You got to fit in, right? Speaking of fitting in, I think that's the next one, trying to fit in. So, I don't know if you've seen this before, but sometimes people make inappropriate jokes, or they're talking about shit that is just not appropriate or positive, and you go along with it.

You laugh at it, you don't say anything, uh, [00:07:00] you're trying to fit in, right? You want to make sure that you're not, uh, too different, right? Because God forbid that would be bad if you were different. And so I think that could be another one. So trying to fit in, right? We're, we're presenting a different version of ourself.

We're becoming an actor. We're not actually being ourselves. I think another one that really stands out to me is saying what you don't mean. So this could be things like, you know, giving fake recognition or saying things to get the attention from your boss or other leaders within the company. But it's basically not being honest.

It's saying things you think people want to hear so that you become more likable. So those are some things that really I have seen, or unfortunately, I'm embarrassed to say that I've done myself. Maybe not as much of the work stuff anymore, but definitely some of the personal stuff. So let's transition slightly.

I want to tell you a little bit about like why I people please and the main reasons. And so I'm gonna do my best to be brutally honest and vulnerable with you because I think that's the only way you're gonna get value out of it. Is if you hear someone else sharing exactly kind of what they're going through when it comes to people pleasing and kind of what that looks like.

So [00:08:00] the first one, I think the first one is anxiety. I've talked about it on the podcast before, but I deal with a lot of social anxiety. I mean, like very, very anxious. A lot of times to be out in social settings, even around people that I love and respect and know. So, you know, I want to fit in, right. Um, and I want to focus on pleasing others.

And I figure if I do that, I'm going to feel safe. I'm going to feel less anxiety. Unfortunately, it's really the opposite. Another reason I people please is avoiding confrontation. I don't know what it is, but like, ever since I was a kid, I just did not like confrontation. I don't like when people are fighting or frustrated with each other or arguing.

It just doesn't feel good, so a lot of times I'm hesitant to share my perspective because I don't want to cause any confrontation. Even if I know what I'm sharing is the right thing, or it should be shared, I may hold back because I'm worried what people might think. And I don't want to get into a fight or a situation, God forbid, where people aren't happy with each other.

Another one, and this is really simple as I want people to like me. So, you know, I don't know if you're like me, but I care about what people think. I like to think I don't, and [00:09:00] I want to get better at that. And I have, as I gotten older, but I, at the end of the day, do care what people think. And so, uh, if I.

People, please. I know people are probably going to like me more, at least so I thought, and I remember feeling this even when I was a kid, you know, just making sure that I wanted people to like me. So I was going to do and say things so that they would like me as opposed to doing and saying things that are really how I'm feeling or who I am.

Right. And then the last one I think is more just like a personality trait. I rank really high. In agreeableness, so I'm not sure if you're familiar with that term, but basically this personality trait is centered on being considerate, cooperative, and making sure to not rock the boat. And so I rank really, really high in that.

So, you know, those are the main four reasons I really feel like I people please. I think the first step for me was kind of understanding those motivations and what they are, because if you don't know what they are and you're just kind of doing it blindly, it's a little tougher to take action and get better at it.

Right. Okay, so we talked about why I people please, I want to get into some of the negatives of people pleasing. And unfortunately, [00:10:00] guys, there are some negatives, there's some big ones. And it's not just for you as the person who's people pleasing, it's also for the other people around you. So it kind of broken it up into two different sections.

The first one I want to talk about is what are the negative impacts on others. So in no particular order. I think people start to think less of you because at the end of the day, you're not saying what you mean or what you feel. So people start to realize like, does this person have a perspective? Can I trust this person?

Um, is this person being real with me? Right. And it kind of makes our Spidey sense kind of tingle. And we're like, well, who is this person? I don't know how to read them. I don't know what their deal is. So I think that that's definitely an issue. People trust you less, they think less of you. Another one is you kind of become a doormat.

So people start to realize you have no backbone and so they can kind of walk all over you, which means they might take advantage of you, or they may not include you in things because they think, well, this person doesn't have a perspective. Why would I want them to be a part of this project? Or why would I want to be around them if they don't offer any value and they're just copying everything everybody else is [00:11:00] saying.

Another one, I think it can be really emotionally taxing and it kind of reminds me of like growing up. I don't know if you saw this in movies or maybe you saw this with other people at your school, but you have that kid that's kind of like the barnacle that kind of just goes around, always says what you're thinking, copies you, doesn't have their own perspective.

And eventually it kind of becomes draining. You're just like, dude, I don't want this around. Like, I don't need someone just, you know, hyping me up and saying everything I'm saying is gold because it's not. And like, what's your perspective or what do you think? And is this good for you? And if you're not doing those things, it can kind of be taxing to the people around you because it's just infuriating to know that someone is not being honest and not sharing what they really think and just going along.

So it can be kind of annoying for those folks that are obviously not the people pleaser, but that are getting the other end of it. Now, for you, obviously, huge negatives for people pleasing. And if you don't know them, here are the big ones that kind of stand out to me. This is a deep one, but you start to lose your identity and don't know who you are.

So, if you are [00:12:00] constantly living for someone else, doing things for other people, saying things for other people, and trying to please others, and basically make it so that everyone else is taken care of, you start to become a hollow version of yourself. You start to maybe forget what you even care about or the things that are important to you.

You start to not really have a perspective. And so eventually if you, you know, go down this path and you don't check it before it gets bad, you might wake up in 10 or 15 years and be like, well, who the hell am I? Like, I don't know who I am. Like, I don't know what's important to me, what I care about, what I'm even doing here.

Right? So not a good thing, obviously, definitely a negative. And then I think that kind of transitions into the next one is if you go down that path, you can start to forget. And not even know what you want from life, what excites you, what are you here to do? And so, you know, I think a little bit like if your decisions are for everyone else, right?

And you're now doing things for everyone else, how do you know what you want? How do you know what's important in your career? [00:13:00] And I think about my own life, right? You know, I went to college after I finished high school. And I didn't want to go to college. No desire to go to college. I did horrible in high school, and I knew college was not for me.

But you know what? I did it anyways because my parents wanted it. That's what my parents wanted. College was the most important thing in our family. Everybody had multiple degrees, and so of course you had to go to college. Well, come to find out I spent five years going to college. I spent thousands of dollars, and guess what it got me?

Absolutely nothing. I didn't get a degree. I was more frustrated. Uh, I spent a ton of money, which I had to then pay off debt. And it was all because I was doing what I thought I should, what somebody else wanted. And it wasn't exciting to me. It wasn't what I wanted to do. And I know lots of folks that have done that or have gone into jobs because they think they should, because everybody in my family is a doctor, so I need to be a doctor.

Everyone goes to law school, so that's what I need to do. And that's just not how life works in my opinion. And that's not a fulfilling life. If you're doing what everyone else thinks you should do, [00:14:00] you're living someone else's life. And I think the last one too, is like, you're going to regret things, right?

If you're constantly living for other people and not saying what you believe and not standing up for things, you're going to start to regret stuff. You're going to regret that you didn't speak up. You're going to regret that you didn't push back, that you didn't set boundaries. And I don't know if you're like me, but like.

I don't want any regret. I really don't. I have enough things I have to deal with in my life. Regret is one thing that I am doing my very, very best to avoid. So, those are some of the big negatives that I see when it comes to people pleasing. You know, it's not just how it affects us, but it's also how it affects others, which I think is something we don't always think about.

Okay, let's transition a little bit. I want to move into how do you actually overcome people pleasing? I want to give you some strategies that I know that I've tried in my own life, that I've seen others try that I think is really going to help. So the first one I want you to think of is I want you to think of anything you've done in your life.

When you want to get better at something, you have to take a little bit of a [00:15:00] risk. You have to do a little bit of an action before you can start to see success. And so That's the first thing I want you to try is I want you to start by taking little risks. So let me give you some examples. Maybe that's sharing how you feel during a conversation.

So you don't have to cause a big argument. You don't have to spend five minutes sharing your perspective, but maybe it's as simple as like, Hey, you know, I don't know if I really liked that movie or like, Hey, I don't know if I really. I thought that conversation went great with us earlier this week or like, yeah, I don't really want to do that this weekend and sharing your perspective, just a small thing, right?

It doesn't have to be a big thing that's going to cause an argument. It could be as simple, like I said, it's like a sharing a movie you don't like, right? But to a Person who's a people pleaser, that might be a big deal, even just sharing that. But it's funny, the more you do those small things, they become bigger and bigger and bigger and you get more confident and it starts to become second nature a little bit.

So start small and watch as it becomes easier. Cause I promise you, that's what will happen. Next one I think can be really good is to start to set boundaries. So if you don't [00:16:00] have any boundaries, if you don't have anything that will protect your time and your energy, then people will take advantage of it.

Even if they don't mean to, they may just take advantage of it. So I think it's really, really important that you have some self respect, that you have some boundaries and that you share those with people as needed. And it's funny, the more you share that, the more people will respect you because This is not a pushover.

This is someone that has boundaries. Oh my gosh, I gotta watch out for this person. I gotta make sure that I don't step on toes. And you're going to notice that people start to give you more respect as you kind of demand it. I think another one is self awareness. This is a really really important thing I think for any leader or any person in their career, but self awareness.

Are you aware? Of the natural things that you automatically do subconsciously and consciously. And I want you to be aware of the energy you're projecting. Because you are projecting energy, whether or not you know it. Maybe you're projecting confidence. Maybe you're projecting a people pleaser, a doormat, a pushover.

I don't know, but I want you to start being aware of those moments where you're maybe saying things that you don't mean, or doing things you [00:17:00] don't mean, or trying to accommodate others at the expense of your own joy, your own energy. So be self aware, don't just go through the flow, maybe like take a second as you go through the day and think, okay, well, was I honest there?

Did I really share what I thought? Should I have spoke up? Did that make sense to not even say anything? And right, ask yourself these questions. I think it will really help. The last one is, uh, something that I really, really believe in, which is listening to your gut. It's funny, we have this thing inside of us that is a really good barometer to tell us when things are going well and we're Living in our truth, if you will, when we're saying things we need to say.

And I want you to listen to your gut because the next time you do or say something to please others, I know for a fact that in the back of your mind, there's some small voice that's saying, eh, why are you doing that? Eh, eh, eh, your people pleasing again. And so next time. Instead of just ignoring it, I want you to really listen to it and think to yourself, okay, well, why did I people please there?

Okay, why did I do that? Well, was I feeling uncomfortable? Was I feeling anxious? Was I worried this person was going to be mad [00:18:00] at me? And I want you to just take stock of why you're doing that, because the more you kind of identify those things, the easier it is to overcome them. But if you just let them pass by, if you just let life pass you by, and you don't think about why you're doing things, and you don't listen to your gut, you're going to be in a world of hurt, in my opinion.

So again, take little risks, have some self awareness. Set boundaries, make sure that people follow them, and then listen to your gut, right? Listen to your voice, make sure that you're listening to that internal monologue that's going on in all of our heads. Okay, I want to transition quickly and tell you about a little story about people pleasing.

And this is from like three weeks ago. So when I said at the beginning of the episode that I've gotten better at it, I have. I think I've definitely got more cognizant of my people pleasing and my proclivity to do it, but I'm not perfect. And so I don't want to sit here and pretend like I've mastered it, because I haven't.

So here's the story. It's Super Bowl. Uh, maybe what three weeks ago and my parents, uh, now live in Arizona and they invite me and my wife over to watch the game. And my first instinct is like, nah, I don't want to go. Right. Because again, I told you in the [00:19:00] beginning, I don't care about sports. I don't really want to go eat a whole bunch of bad food.

I'm not really trying to drink right now. And I knew all of those things were probably going to happen if I went and watched the Superbowl. So my parents asked me, Hey Austin, do you want to go? And my first instinct, my first thing to say is, you know, Asa, my wife, um, she's just been working really, really hard this week.

She's been really stressed out and she's got to travel next week. So I just don't know if it's going to work out. So as soon as I said that I thought to myself, well, why did you say that? Did, did Asa say that she was tired? Did she say she didn't want to go over there? Well, of course not. I didn't want to be honest with my parents, with my mom, and say, Hey, I just don't care about football.

I don't really want to come over today. Now, had I been honest, my mom wouldn't have given a shit. She would have been like, Yeah, no worries. That's totally fine, Austin. But I felt the need to please in that moment. And it's funny. I was chatting with my wife afterwards and I told her what I said to my wife and, and Or excuse me, what I said to my mom and she called me out.

She said, Austin, I wasn't really tired. I would have been down to go. And it was funny in that moment, I was able to realize, okay, Austin, you fell into people pleasing, even [00:20:00] with your own family, why weren't you honest? Why, why didn't you just tell your mom that you didn't want to go? And you know, it also kind of made me put my wife in an uncomfortable position because now they're thinking she's tired for no reason, she didn't want to see him.

Of course, that wasn't the case at all. It was all me. So I tell you that story to just let you know, like, Hey man, I still deal with people pleasing. It's still something that I struggle with today, but I'm at least aware of it. And I'm trying to get better at it. And you better believe that the next time my parents invite me over for something that I don't want to do, I'm going to be honest.

I'm going to just be brutally honest. Hey, I'm not in the mood. I don't want to come over. I don't want to drink. I don't want to eat crappy food today. Uh, but thanks for the invite. They're not going to care. They love me. Your friends are going to do the same. So. I, you know, I want to wrap up with a challenge.

The challenge is this. For the people pleasers listening today, I want you to share one opinion, one thing you think about this week. It does not need to be big. It doesn't need to be a, you know, politics or religion or, you know, something about the universe. It could be as something as small as like, Hey, I don't like that song or no, I don't like going to this place on the weekend, [00:21:00] but I want you to share it.

And then I want you to reflect on how it feels to share it. I guarantee you're going to feel better. And you're going to want to keep doing it more and more and more because that's how we get better at it. Now, for the folks out there that aren't people pleasers, first off, congratulations for not dealing with that.

That's pretty cool. Um, but here's my challenge for you. I want you to proactively try to help someone around you that's a people pleaser. You probably know one. You probably know somebody that you work with or in your life who's a people pleaser. Here's what I want you to do this week. I want you to ask for their opinion, their perspective.

I want you to Pull it out of them, because they may not be comfortable sharing what's on their mind or what they're thinking, but there is a chance that if you ask them and, and do it with an open heart, like, Hey man, what do you think about this? They may just get out of their comfort zone and share it with you.

So that's my challenge for the week. I want to say, thank you so much for listening. Make it a great day.